


Between past and present

by grainipiot



Series: SZ Odyssey/Pulsefire [3]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Anal Sex, Galactic Slayer Zed, M/M, Odyssey AU, Porn With Plot, Pulsefire Shen, Some Light Feels, Very Thin Plot, Wall Sex, confessions and fun, i guess it's a little fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25321573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grainipiot/pseuds/grainipiot
Summary: Why? Shen had so many questions and so little answers about their relationship - or lack of. If only feelings could stop meddling in all this.Odyssey/Pulsefire AU - OS - sequel to "Parallel" and "A reason to come back"
Relationships: Shen/Zed (League of Legends)
Series: SZ Odyssey/Pulsefire [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1834096
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	Between past and present

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DieEis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DieEis/gifts).



> Hello!  
> First, sorry for the hiatus, vacations weren't truly a good time to write, sadly. I'm back in business!  
> Second, this is probably the last OS of this Odyssey saga! I tried my best to solve the faint plot. If you wish, you can read the two previous works.  
> Last, this is for you my dear <3
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you'll like it!

_What does he want ?_

Zed was such a mystery, it never really changed. It seemed that no matter the ‘version’ of him from whatever universe he would always be the same kind of shadow difficult to seize at first. Until one really tried. That was what made Shen pause a little sometimes, all this was so strange and yet he couldn’t understand how and why he had found Zed once more.

An accident, like always. And so he met the man he had lost somewhere else. Or rather another version of the man he had loved and lost. Parallel universes always made everything so difficult, even for someone of his kind it could be confusing. So it was to run again and again into Zed, no matter what universe it was.

In this particular universe, it was indeed an accident. Someone was causing so much troubles in a specific place without real reason so Shen had gone to see. This was how he had found him and ever since he wasn’t truly at peace.

Like a ghost. Except that one was really alive and sane.

Shen didn’t know why but seemingly Zed had taken an interest in him and would seek any pretext to lure him into a trap – what he couldn’t explain at all and yet he let it happen until he was actually at his sanctuary. Maybe by forgotten fondness for a similar person. This was so confusing indeed because from the first impressions Shen could recognize the man, there was like the same essence in him than the man he had loved before and each universe gave them nuances and different goals. In the end Zed was always the same and that was why he followed him even in what looked like the most dangerous place of this peculiar universe. Shen didn’t care much about that, he was curious before anything.

What did Zed want indeed ? What was the point of this game of cat and mice ?

This question had never left him from the first moment he had met Zed to the actual state of things in their ‘arrangement’. Because yes, if at first he had chased Zed around by curiosity, he had stayed by love. Shen didn’t know if that was really healthy, unable to know in what measures he loved this version of Zed. He might as well consider him the only one he knew at that exact moment, for all it mattered.

His love wasn’t dead, he was just still mourning the loss. Temporal issues sure were difficult, especially in his case because the man he loved was gone but another version of him was still himself and asking for him. To the point of ‘trapping’ Shen in his sanctuary. Maybe he shouldn’t project his former love on Zed but what else could he do ? It didn’t make sense in the first place. They were two different persons and yet the same in the very end. He had come to love one, why not another ?

_This is a bit crazy._

Shen had learned to love this man and had lost him later. This same man was still alive but definitely out of his reach forever. He might consider him dead, it would be all the same. Whatever PROJECT had done to him was impossible to erase. And yet love remained.

That same love that kept him from leaving without a glance behind. His former lover wasn’t anymore but now there was another that got all of his attention. In no way Shen could have stopped himself from falling for him again because after all, he was already in love, just not with this version in particular.

He had seen Zed play with him, create excuses and troubles just to see him. _Why ?_ It would be too perfect to learn it was love that guided him too but there was literally no reasons for this. The Zed from this universe didn’t know him that well, he just had this strange obsession with him. Just like the other. Shen secretly wanted to believe there was somehow a link between them, something that would explain why he always ran into the same person wherever he went. It would be a sort of dream, meant to meet at some point. If only.

_An obsession_.

Maybe he had one too or there would be no reason for him to come back every time. Was love a sort of obsession ? It could be. But not all obsessions were love and so it stung a little to think that Zed didn’t see him that way. Shen could already identify his own feelings on the romantic side but there was nothing more difficult than understanding the latter. Funny, wasn’t it ? Despite already loving him for who he was, he couldn’t even make sense of his behavior. Their actual situation was the only proof needed. Zed was smooth like always, used to his tricks and shadows but then after having sex or even during it he could get very clingy. Not just that, every time he got quiet on the end. It seemed that Shen wasn’t the only one struggling to understand the other, at least one thing was mutual.

That part he could partially explain it, Zed was curious about him since technically he didn’t know him – plus a temporal traveler like him always caught the attention. So he asked questions until Shen couldn’t answer it, when it became too personal. In the first steps he shouldn’t have mentioned another Zed, that was a bad idea but the latter had asked and knowledge always came with a price. For anyone like him it might sound crazy, impossible to get. What Zed seemed to have remembered was the existence of another version of him that was dear to Shen. After that there were no more questions. Shen couldn’t afford it anyway, it hurt and time wasn’t exactly helping his kind.

Stupid indeed. Mortals had no use in such information, especially when it involved their potential alternate selves. In their case, Shen didn’t know the extent of the issues but he knew something was off since he had answered that. Again the same question. _Why ?_

Why act like neither of them cared ? Why ask questions so personal ?

It felt like it wouldn’t change. They met and they had sex, Zed would be all smirk and bold words until the very end of it. Shen would silently take what was offered, very glad to still get one occasion to love although he couldn’t be so open about it. Maybe it was nothing, maybe he was nothing for Zed.

It didn’t matter, at least he got to feel warm skin and the illusion of care.

~

There he was, back to this peculiar place. A bit dark like on the first occasion but curiously or not Shen came to like this place. After all, it meant he was close to Zed once more and this was priceless.

Barely a few seconds out of his portal and already the shadows came to seize him before it took the shape of his now lover. Was that word correct for them ? Nothing else would work. Anyway, he was always very glad to be held this way, it felt like there was more between them than pure relief. No way to express this gentle joy, it wouldn’t be taken well.

Zed already had his hands all over him, now perfectly able to take his mask off without any mistake. In no time Shen’s face was revealed and his lips claimed with hunger.

_At last._

Time, always such a concept for his kind. It felt like an eternity since the latest occasion to be together but also merely a few hours later. For Zed at least it might feel more realistic, maybe something around a week. Shen wouldn’t ask, this was a headache for no reason and he had far more important at hand, kissing back happily.

« Welcome back… » Dark whisper against flesh, still betraying a form of need.

Nothing could make him more relieved than this exact instant, held and appreciated – even just physically. Not even waiting Zed was starting to undress him, exhausting task that had to be taken care of early or it would just break the mood later. For Shen it was also oddly sweet to feel such anticipation displayed for him. Yes, it was only to have sex but the latter looked so determined to get him, he found it a little cute.

Like always he didn’t say anything. There was no need for this and Zed seemed to know him enough, he could very well do the talk for them two. Instead Shen took him in another kiss, at least that kind of decision wouldn’t be bad, on the opposite. It was met with more need and impatience, a pleasure to see. Zed fought for it, bit a little as to show who got the control there but both knew it was fairly even. If that could be, Shen was probably the one able to overpower him and force him but why would he do that ? It was a lot better to coax him further and let him do as he wished.

These dear thoughts were interrupted when his back met the wall, pushed there with a bit of strength by Zed. If that wasn’t enough to translate his need, now he was actively feeling Shen up and cupping his crotch for a better reaction. It worked since already he wasn’t that covered anymore and Zed could be really convincing when he wanted to.

« Uhoh, looks like someone is horny… »

_You are_.

This wouldn’t change. Zed would sometimes point things out that also applied to himself. Surely he was very aware that he was needy as hell and he just wanted to tease a little. Anyway Shen couldn’t lie, not when he was growing hard under the persistent touch. He rocked back as mean to acknowledge it but didn’t say anything more. It wasn’t worth it and Zed expected nothing.

Indeed he simply huffed and resumed his excited ministrations, finishing to take Shen’s armor and clothes off. All of this lied on the floor in small chaos, nothing was deemed worthy of his attention except the man he pressed firmly to the wall. Another funny thing because no matter how it started, Zed always ended up crying out in his arms, fully giving up his control. Maybe that was temporary bravado, he knew too well soon it would be over. _Smart_.

Speaking of, Zed had already taken his own armor off in one of his other fancy tricks. Surely it could impress a few folks but Shen was quite used to his own technology and this wasn’t really new. The interesting part was Zed’s skin, now free to be explored a bit more thoroughly. He never minded having the latter’s hands over him and if he could purr, surely he would every time Shen betrayed the shyest touch of need by letting his hands wander lower.

All this was nice but Shen could tell it would change soon, it was barely beginning. For now Zed seemed happy to mark him up every time he uncovered more skin, only speaking for a few words supposed to be possessive. Nothing that would move Shen, of course. On the other hand, he was really getting aroused under all the efforts made to reduce him to that, loose grasp around his cock. Indeed Zed was enjoying himself to make him react ‘bodily’ because he wouldn’t voice that anyway.

« Did you miss me… ? »

That question wasn’t expected though. It was just like the rest, heavily low and aroused and yet it made Shen pause shortly. If only Zed thought the same, exactly like when he had called him horny. It could apply to himself but maybe not. For this Shen couldn’t hope much, at best the latter just wanted to feel desired, to be in control there. _Don’t overthink_.

The only thing that kept him from ignoring the question was Zed’s gesture, parting so slightly to meet his gaze. There his seriousness struck, he was waiting for an answer. _Don’t_. Shen couldn’t afford to make more mistakes, both choices seemed bad. Should he be honest or not ? Of course he missed Zed, he had always missed him and his very presence here was a proof it was where he wanted to be. But it would make everything awkward. Saying no would be a big lie too.

Why was everything so difficult ?

In lack of a better answer Shen simply yanked him into another kiss, making it purposely deep and meaningful. Either Zed would get the message conveyed silently or he would drop it, distracted. To go further Shen swapped their positions and pushed him to the wall, a thigh pressed to the latter’s crotch.

It worked wonderfully, Zed bucked fiercely against this new source of contact and never stopped once started. Even more, his moan into the kiss was really close to a needy whimper while he clung to Shen as much as he could. Surely this was a lot for him, pinned to the wall by pure strength and paid intimate attention. For Shen this had both the advantage of dodging the question and earning a few pleased sounds from the man he cherished.

_Perfect_.

Now the question was swiftly pushed away and unless Zed had really hoped for an answer, nothing would bring it back so soon. Shen himself got a little carried away, it was always so nice to feel the latter seek more contact and attention. Rough over his skin and yet very passionate in everything he asked. Selfish. Oh Shen didn’t mind, he loved him after all and that included his tendency to leave marks over flesh. That part never changed.

Next turn came soon enough when seemingly Zed had enough of this dazing kiss and all the committed attention over him. He rose just a little, circling Shen’s waist with his legs until he was completely relying on him for support with the wall. _Oh ?_ That would work for him, surely this was because Zed was too needy to stand more. _Let’s move_.

« You better fuck me soon… » This time it got really impatient, said through bitten lips. As if it wasn’t clear enough with Zed’s energetic rocking against him and his hard cock between them.

« I have to prep you first, I doubt you enjoy pain that much. »

It was true, no matter how bold Zed could be, not once he had tried to inflict himself anything remotely serious. Already Shen thought about where he could find lube since they weren’t exactly in bed like usual.

« No, I don’t, but I’m full of surprises. See by yourself… »

_Hmm_. Now Shen was curious. It could indeed mean several things but he wasn’t left to think for too long, Zed took his hand to guide it lower with visible eagerness, to his entrance. _I see_. Not really but he did get the message or at least the silent indication. Shen followed the move, cautiously probing that intimate place before indeed what he supposed was true. It was already slick. When he pushed a finger inside, Zed didn’t even make a sound or a move that could betray discomfort. All was alright and Shen wasn’t worried anymore.

_He prepared himself._

No idea when but the result was there. No matter how far Shen reached or how much he stretched him, it always went easily, plenty relaxed. He wanted to ask when Zed actually had the time to do that because they never really fixed a specific moment for their encounters. Was he doing that for fun every single day ? Was he that needy ? Asking was out of question, first because Shen didn’t want to talk a lot and because Zed would take this like an occasion to ask in return, take more.

For now he was sure about one thing, Zed had taken time to do all the work and go for it without interruption. Shen would almost take this as compliment. All was good for him, he thrust his fingers inside a for a moment just because he was free to do so. Bonus, if Zed really wanted him then he would have to ask for it.

First the embrace around Shen tightened, just like Zed clenched so slightly around his fingers. If for a time he was good at keeping a composure, it was meant to fail as teasing went. No way for him to be more patient.

« Come on, I’m sure you know it’s enough. Fuck me already. » A bit of grumbling, Zed didn’t sound really happy with the way things went. It might be pleasurable when Shen brushed his spot but it wasn’t exactly what he wanted.

Teasing could be fun, Shen enjoyed drawing as many breathy sounds of relief from the latter but he couldn’t make this last forever. Himself had needs and watching Zed get off on his fingers didn’t make it easier for him. _Soon_.

At least their position would be fine for them, nothing too complex. On reflex Zed seemed to get on the plan and already moved to accommodate him. What a shiver when Shen’s cock poked him a little, rubbing against skin and engraved ora before at last he was able to push inside. Just the time to breathe in and out, relishing the instant. To be honest he always looked forward to that instant, when Zed would cling to him forcefully while tipping his head back under the new stimulation. It was beautiful and probably mostly due to his lingering feelings but it was worth witnessing every time.

Another move and then it was done, his cock inched deeper while he kept Zed close to him. Almost protective. It was always such a wonderful moment to feel his willing body letting him inside, greedily taking more. Of course Zed rocked back until he was fully sheathed. Gravity did its part too and a good depth was reached from the start, making him clench and gasp suddenly.

That could indeed shut him up, just for an instant then Zed would resume his taunting and clever words. The only difference was in the tone and heavy breathing as minutes went. He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t being pounded into against the wall.

Shen was careful, like always but what he had learned came in play later. By now he knew to which point he could be rough with Zed, how far he could reach so he enjoyed it fully. Yes, the latter got off on that, it was a huge turn on just to be handled firmly and yet with care. Maybe not with care but Shen refused to inflict pain, as simple as that. All he would allow was a sharp pace, red marks over foreign skin and a certain strength to maintain Zed in place. Anything rough was by his demand, always bucking and rocking against Shen until it got a little fast and violent. Otherwise he tried to be gentle, discreetly. Being openly loving might not be well received and anyway this roughness seemed to be part of their specific dynamic.

One asking to be controlled and the other gladly complying.

It didn’t miss. The thrusts went easily, always rubbing in just right and every time Zed writhed in his arms under such sweet time. Shen was determined after all, he wanted both to make him feel good and to see him disheveled like never. It was a reward in itself and it was also really arousing. For now he could tell Zed wasn’t about to come but that point wasn’t far neither, accurate touches and a hard pace would make sure to reduce that.

_Good ?_

He wanted to ask but again he didn’t want to answer questions afterward. In cases like this Shen would just cradle Zed’s face to get his attention. If he wasn’t completely lost then he would notice as quick. So he did, a bit lazily looking at Shen while he got thoroughly fucked against the wall. Not much of a talker at the moment but it happened, sometimes it hit.

« W-What… ? Tired ? » Indeed he still sounded a little out of it, voice at the limit of breaking after such vulgar whispers and constant moaning. It was cute to see how he nuzzled Shen’s palm, head heavy under the building tension.

« No. » For once he couldn’t not answer. Shen kissed him, making it a little too affectionate but Zed couldn’t care less, not when he was gasping after each thrust.

The kiss was accepted without condition and that always made him a little happy and sad at the same time. He could feel Zed’s response being a little sloppy but still quite motivated to make it right. He just couldn’t quit. Maybe that was all he needed at the moment, an anchor through this intense moment. For now he clung to Shen’s neck, keeping him with his remaining strengths into the kiss, then another one, then another one. Always starving for more, biting lightly his lower lip as if he could pretend he was in power there. Zed wasn’t, only able to interrupt the kiss to cry out against Shen’s shoulder.

In and out, faster. For now he was able to keep that pace quite well, always aiming for that specific spot. Shen could be a little strict with himself as long as it made it better for them but he knew too well that at some point he wouldn’t be able to resist anymore. Such burning warmth around him, always so relaxed and pliant. Zed always welcomed him in the best way and that was one more reason to miss it later. For now he could control himself and purposely hit his sweet spot. May it last as long as possible.

To be honest, sometimes Shen’s control slipped a little. Barely for a few seconds when it got impossibly difficult to focus on anything else but Zed. Captivating like always. Probably he didn’t know he was in that particular fashion, Shen was just sensitive to specific sides of him and feeling him groan lowly against his neck might be one of these. _No need for him to know_. Everything was fine as it was.

« F-Fuck…Mmmh— » Quite expressive at the moment, it would seem. Zed pulled him into another kiss, this time with a certain shaky strength that told a lot about his state.

_Close ?_

Not that he was getting tired over this indeed but Shen was the one supporting both of them so adding the increasing tension wasn’t helping. He loved it, he felt alive and so slightly loved in the way Zed was messing his hair in search for a better hold at the back of his head. Several times he moaned into the kiss, obviously unable to filter any of that except if that exchange was a decision to silence himself. It worked partially, Shen could still enjoy it and deepen it as much as he wanted.

Until it was too much. Suddenly Zed clenched over him, bringing him a lot closer than he was before. However that wasn’t important. He started to come, nails digging in Shen’s back under this needed climax. Surprisingly it was rather quiet as Zed had done his best to keep the kiss but he wasn’t fully able to resume anymore, parting in a whimper. That one was to be forgotten.

« Come, it’s alright. » Not that he was one to order him around but Shen knew the latter still liked to hear him in moments like these. Maybe he gave away too much eagerness for such a time but he didn’t care, this was why he was here. To watch and cherish.

Zed shook a bit worryingly but it was normal. It was like curling up into this warm presence against him, a reflex that never went away. He came and came, making a mess between them. Only after a short time did Shen notice he had been touching himself to the last instants. In any case it was enough to shut him up for a time, too overwhelmed.

« Shen… » A new breath. Zed was back, fully pliant in his arms. For a time he just remained there, a bit idle while he recovered but soon enough he seemed to remember he wasn’t the only one here. « Ah, yes. Go on, fuck me, it’s fine. »

A bit careless in the tone he used but the message was given. Now it was time for Shen to take what he wanted – or at least what he could openly want. Most of times he would try to share orgasm with Zed simultaneously but sex was something shared, ‘accidents’ happened.

This was his signal. His hands settled over Zed’s hips, briefly relishing contact before he gave into his urges and went a little wild. All this remained rather controlled. This was all he had, responsibility and balance. Shen pressed him further into the wall, distracting a little his own reflexes by supporting the latter, that way he could still use strength without causing any harm or scare.

The only way he indulged was by clinging to Zed in return. At that point it was difficult to know who was holding more the other but this wasn’t a contest, it didn’t matter. It still worked for Shen, he loved to just be able to nuzzle a little closer and stay here. However climax was near, it wouldn’t let him at peace for too long. Once, twice, he pounded into Zed and this made him tighten in return, surely another reflex through overstimulation. _Quick…_ He had to come, now. A few more thrusts, that would be enough.

Control faltered.

« Ah… » Not always he allowed himself a sound of relief but it was rather fine. Shen came, almost snuggled up to Zed as skin contact was all he needed at the moment.

Such a bliss to be held and to find climax like this. Soon reality came back but Shen wasn’t so sad about it, he had his pleasure. With it returned also awareness and slight pain for the claws across his back or the light tingling over his neck. It seemed that Zed distracted himself the way he could and now he was busy giving his own marks to him. Whatever, it was a souvenir of their time together.

It took longer for Shen to realize there wasn’t a single noise besides both of them recovering their breath. Again, Zed being selectively quiet during sex wasn’t a surprise. It just struck him sometimes to feel him bordering cuddly when it was over. Of course Shen didn’t mind but he knew himself too well, this was an open door to any kind of ‘dangerous’ ideas. If only he could provide his love the way he wished. The thought made him sad again.

Leaning against the wall, silence settled. They still had to move though and clearly Zed wanted to. He had him pull out and let him down, only to take Shen to his bed. _Alright_. An unusual choice of position wouldn’t stop them from lying down together but it did make him pause, processing what could happen from there. When they did hug after sex, it was because they were too tired to move for a time. Now it was a deliberate choice.

Zed’s choice so nothing to be worried about. Shen joined him fast enough and lied down where he gestured him to. It was slightly strange for the latter to remain silent like this but likely he just didn’t want to break the mood, whatever it was. Then Zed came closer to actually cuddle.

So far from smirks and clever words indeed. It seemed like another side of him and that made memories bubble up for Shen, previous times. Zed could be like that sometimes, extremely quiet and private when he wanted to but that remained quite rare. A wonderful time indeed because it meant he felt safe to do so, a great deal either of trust or carelessness. Shen could just welcome him closer, this was exactly what he yearned. A certain intimacy. Whatever Zed might consider him, it wasn’t too bad. On the other side, it made his heart ache again, it was almost unfair to live that again knowing how lost his previous love was.

_Forget, forget_.

Nothing would bring this Zed back and there were strictly nothing worth finding in these memories. Instead Shen made sure to ignore it for a time, embracing the latter warmly.

Zed was here, Zed was safe and nothing would take him away.

For a time it was just that, slow breathing and comforting hug. Always the same silence but it wasn’t awkward or anything, just a time to think and enjoy the moment. At least Shen was, basking secretly in the faintest form of proximity. It might not be mutual but he got to be that close. Zed didn’t say anything neither, he just let his hands wander a little over the latter’s chest, shoulder, arm. So slow.

In such position, he could see Zed’s face. He didn’t look peaceful, on the opposite, no matter how calm his gestures were. Inner struggle, it would seem. Thinking too hard. In any case he was still holding Shen close, he had to enjoy that.

_Hmm_. It was easy to worry but he had to remind himself it happened a lot of times that he simply couldn’t understand all that was on Zed’s mind. Always the same mystery. This time it didn’t seem very tragic, more like a trivial dilemma. It certainly was cute to see, from Shen’s point of view. He shouldn’t think that but it was there, curiously watching this obvious struggle going on.

When he was about to go and ask at last, Zed broke silence, not without more hesitation : « …Ah. Shen ? » Several times he cut himself off, clearly looking for his words.

This had to be infuriating for Zed because he finally broke and just closed distance to kiss Shen breathless. Just this. There was light anger in the kiss although it seemed to be mostly against himself, otherwise it was like every other kiss before, hard and needy but in a most chaste sense. All possessive over him, grabbing whatever he could from the latter.

Shen was even more surprised when the kiss turned sweeter. That was the world, nothing else could work. He had done his part but Zed’s was slower by the second and still very thorough. Where did that come from ? For Shen it was a little difficult to stay composed. He could feel Zed’s hand in his hair, so very careful against his habits. It couldn’t have been affection if things between them were different. His heart hurt again.

Parting, Zed looked at him in a rare mix of fluster and anticipation. After all, he was the one initiating everything and he didn’t seem to convey exactly what he wanted.

And then new emotion came in his gaze. Anger, against him. Shen saw it happen little by little but he couldn’t understand well what was going on. This seemed serious though.

_What’s wrong ?_

Within seconds Zed let go of him, sort of resentment in his eyes as he spoke : « Fuck off. » Then he rolled over, turning his back to Shen.

Too sudden, too unclear, too important. Without even knowing the reasons it hurt him to see that because just like the first time Zed was going away from him. Shen reached for him in what he meant to be a reassuring gesture but it was batted away all the same.

« Zed ? »

_What did I do ?_ It had to be him but there wasn’t a single clue about what he might have done, even unconsciously. The move made Zed go further away, getting out of bed as he started to shift his armor back in place. _No_. It was definitely wrong. So Shen got a flash of despair and grabbed his wrist before he could slip away into darkness.

What was happening ? He hadn’t seen Zed behave like that before, it was far too new and concerning.

« Tell me, what’s wrong ? » He had to remain composed but this was already getting to him.

« No, you tell me what wrong with you ! » There, almost shouting. He still faced Shen again but there was this new fury.

« I don’t understand, what did I do ? »

It was maddening to miss something like this, unaware of his own actions.

« You always have that sad ass look every fucking time ! So tell me ! What’s wrong ? Why can’t you even look at me in the eye without being depressed ? If you can’t stand to see me then go away ! »

Storm unleashed. Even for Zed that seemed a lot to say at once, bottled up for a time. For Shen, it was awful. _I…I look sad ?_ That was possible but it stung to know he had been a lot more obvious than he thought. Understandably Zed would get tired of this. Shen wanted to keep him back, go back to this semblance of peace earlier. Why did they need to fight now ?

« I don’t want to go away, you’re here. »

« You come here just because I look like your ex. Don’t even pretend you’re here for any other reason. I don’t exist for you, there is just this fucking ghost that looks like me ! »

_No…_ That was the issue then ? Always the same misunderstanding ? Shen didn’t like that innuendo that he was just looking to replace his first love by another version, it was disgusting for both of them and what they had was merely the result of life. Nothing done on purpose. But why would it matter if Zed didn’t care much about him ?

The term ‘ex’ wasn’t so correct there, it left him sad again. Zed was right to consider this one as detached from him, almost a random person except for this link. For this or not, it didn’t stop him from feeling wounded. Replaced. All was very legitimate to think and feel.

« It’s not true and you know it. Our first encounter was a complete accident, that you caused at the occasion. Like every other afterward. » He didn’t want to fight him over this, it wasn’t worth it. « …I’m sorry, this isn’t fair for you. »

« Like hell it is. Can you just imagine how it is to compete with myself ? To know that whatever I do and feel it won’t be enough cuz this fucking dude isn’t even here anymore and you still love him ? I have feelings too, respect it. »

_Won’t be enough ?_ In moments like these Shen wasn’t sure about anything anymore. He wanted to believe but also it was cruel to just have hopes.

« What kind of feelings ? » Helpless question but he wanted an answer. It would solve so many things.

This time Zed got quiet, always so angry against him but this actually shut him up, sitting down in bed at respectable distance. This was the source of all the issue, wasn’t it ?

« Don’t act like you don’t know already. I thought it was clear. »

What a moment.

« No, I don’t. Tell me. »

There was a lot more to say and to unpack but Shen wanted to focus on that instead. The only chance he ever had.

« I love you, now fuck off. Stop playing with me. » Despite the anger, Zed sounded and acted very flustered. A mere confession but surely it had asked him a lot just to get it right.

Joy was still here, filling his chest with soft feelings. At the same time that moment was so difficult because the tension remained but there was this, mutual love. Shen wanted to take him back in his arms, this was far too happy to let pass. However pulling Zed into anything would be a bad idea, he didn’t seem very calm yet.

« Since you have been honest then I will be too. You may find it had to believe but I have fallen in love with you once more. You, not this other Zed in another universe. »

It seemed a bit sudden for Zed to register, mixed between frustration and somewhat new emotions. Overall he looked very tense, not close to budge on this and yet he stared at Shen as if he expected a moment he would admit it was joke. Unable to stay still very long, Shen opened his arms to him, hoping he would accept it.

_He’s not sure._ Again, it was understandable and Zed would need more convincing. Clearly he had had a lot to bear and if indeed he had been in love for some time then their strange situation had been difficult to deal with. Possibly he even denied these feelings and found reasons to convince himself of the opposite.

What a struggle indeed. Shen was that close to happiness but it wouldn’t be worth it if the latter was reluctant.

« What happened to him ? »

Probably the questions were meant to happen. Shen couldn’t dodge that now, honest seemed the price to pay. He sighed, looking for a rather simple way to explain it.

« He was caught by enemies, brainwashed and turned against me. He’s still alive in his universe but the man I knew is long gone. But I don’t want you to think I’m just projecting my feelings for him on you. You happened to be there in my patrols and even though you do keep a few traits like him, you are so much more than a mere version. You two are different individuals. »

« You still look sad every time you see me. Hard to think I’m so different than him. » Just a tad of bitterness but otherwise Zed seemed already rather calm, trying to understand and ask as much as he could.

Yes, that hurt.

« I suppose it will take time. I apologize, you deserve to be treated better than that. I do sometimes remember a few things but most of times what made me sad was to see you so…affectionate with me. You acted like we were something and yet we weren’t, it was difficult to hold back. »

This situation was still a little odd because both knew they had feelings for each other but couldn’t act on it so soon. Would they even act on it ? Shen wanted to help him, to prove his own love but at the same time it could be a mistake. Again, nothing had been quite easy between them.

Zed looked at him with certain attention, ready to fade away at the first wrong word. And yet he considered these words, he wasn’t exactly gone. For a time he didn’t say anything, staring at Shen in faint confusion.

« …You didn’t seem to mind so I didn’t stop. Even though at first it was like a game, I didn’t know I liked you yet. »

What was that shift of the mood ? It felt like Zed wasn’t as angry, maybe the worst was over since they had both confessed. Shen tried again and gestured him to come closer. _Please_. What was that ache ? After so much time alone and grieving, maybe that was all he needed. Ready to love again.

Good news arrived, Zed took on the offer and shuffled closer in silence until he was indeed in Shen’s arms. Words told one thing, actions told something else. So there was hope ?

A little afraid to break everything again, Shen said nothing and merely adapted to him, settling for a rather loose embrace. However he wanted, it was still contact. Little by little Zed moved slowly, hands traveling Shen’s bare body. _Mmh ?_ He wouldn’t even think about shying away, he wanted to stay here and take whatever he could get from Zed, be it silence and idle touches. 

« Since when do you love me ? I never saw you take any interest, except by that weird choice to stay and come back here. » Another question, a lot more quiet.

« Since the beginning, this is why I stayed the first time you lured me here. I was confused about why you acted this way around me while I was the one having feelings. It just felt like you were obsessed with me, you had no reasons to take such interest. Did you already love me at that time ? »

As they talked distance was reduced. It was ineluctable, Shen couldn’t resist that pull and neither could Zed. Like a magnet, always. He held him closer, the latter caressed his skin and so they were back to their previous embrace.

« Dunno. Maybe, yes. Listen, it was already bad enough to realize it and even more to fucking confess. »

Sometimes silence was enough. Shen let this last sentence echo a little in his mind, thinking about it. It confirmed that Zed didn’t realize feelings so soon and yet he acted all over him in advance. This could be a good summary of their relationship so far, getting handy and close without actually voicing any kind of feelings. _We’re both stupid_.

The embrace remained, as strange as it may be. If it was this way, Zed didn’t mind. He just nuzzled closer until he was snuggled up to Shen.

« What do you want to do ? I…I would gladly continue what we have, if you let me. You’re too precious to me. »

How could he voice that now ? It was so vulnerable, they had shared a lot at the moment under this sudden tension and now it was gone. Only remained this feeling of vulnerability, having left everything to be seen. Hopefully what they wanted was the same thing or they wouldn’t have been fucking so many times without reason.

« I want to cuddle. » As if it wasn’t clear enough. After that, Zed’s voice softened so faintly when he resumed : « Stay or I’ll have to hunt you down again. But for fuck sake don’t look sad when you come here. »

For that he held Shen’s face, forcing a little eye contact but he didn’t mind in the slightest. There was a need to be reassured, he could sense it. Indeed this was going to require some effort for Shen to forget and move on but this was for Zed, he would do anything not to drive him away.

« I will do my best but if there is anything wrong, tell me. Aside, I want to cuddle too, it’s no problem. »

No need to say more. As soon Zed used a bit of strength and sent them both to topple over. Shen ended up lying back, quickly covered by a very eager Zed that seized the occasion for a sneaky kiss.

_Oh. Good._ Nothing else to say and think, Shen was far too happy to be held like this, pressed in the bed with a lot of anticipation. Zed didn’t keep that kiss too long, just deep enough to remind him of these feelings. All this time they had loved each other. When he parted, he gave such a serious look to Shen, it made him almost worry like before when it turned to anger.

« So you do love me. »

It seemed they had similar thoughts at the time. Although that one statement almost sounded like a question, just as Zed maintained eye contact. As if it wasn’t enough, he brushed Shen’s lower lip, betraying a little his potential next move.

« I do. I wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t the case. »

« Good. » Then he kissed Shen again, stealing his breath. It felt like he would never take enough, holding his face in place and arching into most contact possible.

On reflex Shen accepted him, hands roaming freely his body. It was difficult to stay composed after this mere word. Zed sounded so pleased with it and yet so lowly worried under a lot of layers. Probably there was a good reason for this, insecurities. On the other hand this time also was the signal for a good change. From now they both indetified this as love, it wasn’t strange attention that shouldn’t happen. Shen wondered quietly if that would change a lot of things, from the start he had been guided by love but indeed he had to conceal a part of it, just in case.

Now they were free. After losing all his breath Zed resumed his position, snuggled up to him with obvious satisfaction. Quiet for now. Maybe he had all he needed. In any case Shen wouldn’t move from this, at last he was allowed to relax a little while holding close the latter. All would be fine. Despite himself, he couldn’t resist the urge to stroke a little Zed’s hair, overcome by yet another wave of affection. It was fine, they were allowed.

Only a small surprise sound answered his initiative, before Zed completely relaxed against him, almost trapped by his strong arms.

_Cute_.

Shen’s last thought before it was reduced to a mess when Zed kissed his neck. This was just the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I still hope it makes sense xD poor boys got some feels to deal with
> 
> Thank you again for reading! If you're interested in my writing, you can find me on:  
> > twitter: @niceswordboots  
> > tumblr: https://aracdo.tumblr.com/


End file.
